Monday, January 19, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Overland Park pt 89

When do we stop dreaming? When is it time to let go of our dreams and try to move onto something more tangible?

Should we ever stop dreaming? Should we ever just and honestly grow up and give up on those things we believe in so much?

I've talked about dreams before and I've talked about existential crises. This is a time for both. Our lives continue to end one minute at a time and I'm just not feeling it anymore.

I'm not feeling it.

Do you ever feel like you're watching yourself from the outside and you have no right to be? Or you're watching yourself and it's just so boring that you might want to scream? That you want to change the channel?

Welcome to my life.

Welcome to my nightmare.

It's not so much a dream anymore as it's becoming something worse. Something much worse.

But should I complain?

That's the question on the docket as I re-examine everything in my life this month. Just like every month past and every month to come. I need to take time out and look at everything around me and think, do I really have it so bad?

The reason this question is being asked as I'm sitting here, typing this, thinking about my life, and there are massive changes being felt all around me. I'm not talking about the presidential election as I'm sure there will be enough people talking about that in the upcoming days and weeks.

I'm talking about life.

I'm talking about what's going on around me.

I have a friend moving to Chicago in the upcoming weeks. I should be excited for him. I should be wishing him the best but instead I'm stuck wondering why isn't it me? Why isn't my life taking this massive change like moving away from your comfort zone and finding something new to do with your life?

I'm left being selfish.

But I am excited for him. I want him to succeed in the new place because he sure as hell deserves it and he sure as hell needs it. But the question then becomes: will it be a nightmare for him or will it be a good thing?

I don't know.

I'm left asking these questions because the total number of people I know who have been fired or laid off in the last year now teeters on the brink of double digits. The 9th one just found out this past week that his time is almost up.

I can't help but question why it hasn't been me.

I ask that, as you all know, as I write these diatribes about people I know. Places I've been. People I've worked with. And yet, here I am. And I'm not the most careful person in the world.

But I'm paranoid. Maybe that helps.

I'm paranoid to the point of no return, and yet here I am, living a life and passing month after month and getting older each and every day. In a life that I never expected to pass 20, let alone 25.

And here I am.

Living out of spite.

We've all been told to quit a number of times. That we weren't good enough. We weren't the best at anything. And that we should stop. Try something new. Give everyone a break and just take a chance on something else that people don't have to pay attention to.

But here I am.

In pseudo-originality and pseudo-celebrity, thanks to O'Neil, Jack, Gooch, Pat, Kate, and quite a few others who pay attention to this. Thanks to the fine people at Ink who put my blogs in their weekly circulation from time to time.

People know who Momar Van Der Camp is.

But most of those people don't know who I am.

And it's strange to think that we're not one and the same. That I've invented this other creature named Momar, this narrator, this person who's getting celebrity and getting people to pay attention to him.

It's strange.

It's exciting.

It's like a nightmare of my own creation.

So I've started to try and change those things, and as I've mentioned, things are starting to change. I won't tell you exactly what it is until it's set in stone, so just be on the lookout. You've seen looks at it. You've seen links to it.

You'll know soon enough.

Like June/July.

Summertime will be the best time.

But right now, it's a nightmare and Momar is the dreamer.

So do we continue to dream? Do we fight the need for dreams and drug our brains into submission as we sleep? Or do we allow our brains to flourish and create some vast mindscape that we have enough trouble getting out of?

Do we stifle ourselves and our creativity and let our brains shut down and our world close off? Or do we open our brains to something potentially wonderful and scary as all hell?

That's the question.

That's why Momar exists. That's why we still Fear and that's why there is still a need for loathing after all this time. Because the world is not the best place. The world is not safe. The world is not a place that allows dreamers to live and dreamers to flourish.

The world will stifle you.

So as always, it's your choice. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you you.

If you dream, dream big. Nightmare big. Live big and love big and fail big.

You only get one shot. Do it right.


| Top ↑ |