Saturday, January 12, 2008

Biggest Disappointments of 2007

Let's start with me:

I'm disappointed in myself for forgetting to put UNKLE's new album War Stories on my list. As well as Serj Tankian's self-titled album.

I'm also disappointed that I forgot to mention these albums as part of my favorites that almost made it but didn't:

30 Days of Night soundtrack by Brian Reitzell
Cake: B-Sides and Rarities
Gorillaz: D-sides

And I'm sad that I didn't get to watch movies like No Country for Old Men or Eastern Promises before the new year hit.

On to the disappointments:


Linkin Park: Minutes to Midnight

I liked these guys, kinda. I liked how their last album, Meteora, was pushing them towards a more industrial, Nine Inch Nails type sound. And then this album came out and went all emo on everybody. The best song of the album, in my opinion, was Bleed It Out, which had the nu-metal rap vibe from the old albums that I used to dislike, and sadly, it was the best part of the new one. The songs were all sad sack whinny bullshit, and it just made me feel like they went in the complete wrong direction of where the music should have been heading. Sadness.


Breaking up, the bastards. Jurassic 5 apparently broke up too. That royally sucks as now J5 will be remembered as the band who ended their career by having Dave Matthews appear on their last album, and Audioslave will be remembered as the band that couldn't escape the shadow of Soundgarden or Rage Against the Machine. And I liked Audioslave.

Foo Fighters: Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace

The return to "rock" supposedly. Every time they do a record, there are a couple of songs worth noticing, and the rest sucks. No exception here. Pretender was a pretty good rock song and the rest were pop songs. Songs you'd hear blaring on the radio of your favorite CW tv show character or Smallville episode. Sad, when this is the band that has the potential to be on par with Queens of the Stone Age, and they just keep wasting their talents to sell more crappy records to 12 year olds.

Timbaland: Timbaland Presents Shock Value

This CD sucked. He had the opportunity to make something amazing by working with all of these crazy acts that he's never had the chance to work with before (like the Hives) and it turned into a bunch of McDonald's or Verizon Wireless cell phone commercials. Selling out sounds like this album.


Spider-man 3

The year of the threequel. Pirates 3 (didn't see a single one of them), Shrek 3 (didn't see 2 or 3) and Spidey 3. My how the mighty have fallen. Spider-man was a great comic character I grew to know and love. Sandman was a great villain for him. Harry Osborn as the Green Goblin had some of the strongest character beats in the Spidey-verse. Venom was a menace who was responsible for numerous deaths and for terrorizing Aunt May, almost destroying Peter's relationship with Mary Jane (more on that later), and for creating Carnage, another symbiote who rampaged through New York City.

Sandman had nothing to do with Uncle Ben's death in the comics, yet in the movie, he's the one that killed him. What made Uncle Ben's death more powerful, more POIGNANT in the comics, was the fact that Peter never knew the name of the man who killed his "father." Yet in the movie-verse, his name is Thomas Haden-- I mean, Flint Marko (which isn't even Sandman's real name, it's William Baker and his alias is Flint Marko but we won't go into that).

Harry Osborn did forget he was Spidey's worst enemy from time to time with lapses of amnesia. They got that right. He did try to steal MJ from him. That they got right. But a flying snowboard? Goggles? Back to the Future Part 2 called, they want their hoverboard back. And don't get me started on the damn lightsaber he had. What the hell was that about? He became the second Green Goblin. There was a legacy to follow. He wasn't a NEW Goblin, he was the Green Goblin, hopped up on the serum that made them crazy powerful and want to get revenge on Spidey. And why did he have to die by getting stabbed through the chest at the end (SPOILERS)? Why didn't Tober-man use his ORGANIC webshooters and grab something to slam against Venom? Idiot.

Venom. I really don't want to talk about him. He was a wimp. A baby. A big-fat crybaby wuss who couldn't scare a dying old lady in a nursing home. I was slightly excited that they "tried" to follow Ultimate Spider-man and make him more like Tober-man. Small and wiry. In the comics, he's 6'6" and looks like Howie Long and just about able to flatten a truck. He was in the movie for 20 minutes, and all he did was snarl and explode. Not really the best way to use what became Spidey's worst nightmare in the comics world.

And Tober-man dances. And gets all emo with black long hair covering his eye. Man-liner, more dancing and moping, and pulling off Spider-man-esque moves in a jazz bar make this a huge disappointment.

Smokin Aces

Sucked. Ryan Reynolds and Ben Affleck (WASTED IN THIS MOVIE) and everybody else in Hollywood was in this movie. Score by Clint Mansell. But here's the kicker, directed by Joe Carnahan who makes a decent movie in Narc and then makes this steaming pile. Pass.

Cedric the Entertainer and Ice Cube still work

I don't understand how they continue getting work. And why they feel the need to remake the Money Pit with Ice Cube. The only thing that could make these two worse is if they do Are We Friday Yet and work together on it with direction by Uwe Boll. Pass.

PG-13 Horror Movie remakes/new movies

Messengers. Anything from Ghost House pictures like the Return of the Grudge Staying Alive 6. The Reaping. Are We Done Yet? Why make a horror movie without blood and gore and without decent scares? Why waste the money on wasted efforts that no one but idiots go to see in theaters? Why waste any talent you have by putting them in movies like this when there are movies that deserve some time and effort to be worked on (like Norbit 2: Electric Boogagloo)? I can't fucking understand it. Honestly.

Knocked Up

What a waste of time. Paul Rudd was the best part and he wasn't the main actor. Katherine Heigl couldn't act her way out of a wax museum. And I've liked Seth Rogen since Donnie Darko and Freaks and Geeks, but this just wasn't the movie for him to star in. It was a sad sack love story that worked against the actors by putting them in unfunny situations to see how they could laugh their way out of them, and when you're Seth Rogen (who is funny) trying to act with Katherine Heigl (who isn't funny) and get laughs out of her, it's like taking your head and smashing it against a brick wall. Whatever you try to accomplish, if it's not to kill yourself, then you're wasting your time. And this movie was a waste of time and money that could have been better used watching Walk Hard or Superbad which deserve the credit for being funny. Or The Simpsons movie which was a HUGE surprise.

Transformers: Robots in my eyes

I don't even want to talk about this movie. Michael Bay is the worst human being since Adolf Hitler. He can direct action sequences fairly well, which is fine, except they all look the same as the action sequences he filmed 10-15 years ago when he made Bad Boys and the Rock. He would be better off still directing Playboy Videos or GM commercials (which is exactly what this movie boils down to, that and Mountain Dew and XBOX 360 commercials). Sprinkle some action in between a romance story and PG-13 swearing (crap, darn, holy heck, gosh darnit) when giant robots are exploding all around you (wouldn't you say darn or crap if you were unloading a rocket launcher at a 20-foot tall Japanese robot that wouldn't die and was trying to smash you and your friends? I know I would) and you get another piece of crap waste of celluloid.

Lindsay Lohan

Die already. Hijack a plane and take Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and all of her boyfriends, and all of the girls from the Hills with you. Proceed to smash plane into the Grand Canyon, killing all of you.

Nicholas Cage

Stop killing my heroes. I liked Ghost Rider for what it was, but I should have loved that movie. Stop making movies based on MTV shows and start working in movies about drug-dealing male prostitutes in Las Vegas who are all full of angst and shit. Leave comics alone.

Rob Zombie

Stop directing movies and reunite with White Zombie. Everybody wants you to. Trust me.

Dane Cook

Make sure not to miss the flight on Lohan Air. It's leaving from the Terminal in 15 minutes. And change your last name so it doesn't reflect poorly on me before you go.

Sean Penn

Is getting a divorce. And Robin Wright wins again. Oh, and get a sense of humor you worthless pile of shit. We all liked you better as the idiot surfer dude from Fast Time at Ridgemont High. Not the unfunny prick who is so sad about Iraq but won't do anything about it and just wants to "ACT" like he wants to change the world.

Vince Vaughn

We get it. You like to party. You love to party. It's not funny anymore when you're pushing 40 and have huge bags under your eyes and graying hair and look like you're about ready for a triple bypass from all the hard partying. Learn a lesson and get some acting lessons while you're at it. Or better yet: Make sure to catch a ride with Dane to the airport. We'll be waiting.


Who in their right mind thought Timothy Olyphant was a huge badass? Who? Really. I'm waiting for an answer. Was Vin Diesel busy? Was Jason Statham busy? Was Dolph Lundgren or Jean Claude Van Damme busy? Timothy Olyphant is a douche.

And that's it. Get ready for my biggest disappointment, possibly of all time, in my next post. Enjoy.


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