Friday, January 30, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Overland Park pt 92

The end of times, will it ever get here? Will any of us actually see this “supposed” end of times? And will it involve these GI Joe photos?

I doubt it.

According to certain calendars, certain religions and regions of the world, and an upcoming film from Roland Emmerich, 2012 is the year to be wary of now. 2012 is the year where everything is supposed to end.

December 12, 2012 (12/12/12) is the year when all the machines are supposed to rise up and fight against us, destroying us for relying so heavily on machinery and technology to rule our lives.

It all feels very much like a Stephen King novel. Or better yet, how about a Stephen King movie?

Like, say, Maximum Overdrive?

Who would have thought that there was any potential for that movie to ever come true? Besides Emilio Estevez and possibly the recently diseased Pat Hingle?

Maximum Overdrive.

2012 is the year to fear, according to the Mayan calendar. 2012 “marks the end of a 5126 year cycle on the Long Count calendar developed by the Maya,” and that was found on CNN.

The sun and the Milky way and everything else will line up, and at that point, soda machines will fire projectile Pepsi at us, big rig trucks will attack us and cause us to be stuck in dive diners in the middle of nowhere, pinball machines will shoot the little pinballs out at such a high speed that they will take your head off, and Yeardley Smith will appear in a film that has nothing to do with the Simpsons.

Again, that’s Maximum Overdrive.

Never in a million years did I think that that movie would ever come back into the lexicon of discussions, never in a million years did I stop while watching that movie and think anything about it except that the trucks looked cool and why in the hell was I watching this movie?

I mean, one of the trucks was fashioned after the Green Goblin from Spider-man comics, and now in Marvel Comics he’s the leader of all the military. That might be a sign of the times. Or the fact that AC/DC released a new album this past year and it had exclusivity for a time at Wal-Mart.

Aren’t these signs of the times?

Pat Hingle died recently. Emilio Estevez directed a movie and has become something of a figurehead in the Scientology department/religion. The Green Goblin is the head of the personal security and military forces and the Avengers in Marvel Comics. Yeardley Smith still has a job. AC/DC is back and 10 year olds are listening to their album.

Aren’t these signs of the end times?

So the movie 2012, if you haven’t already seen the teaser trailer for it, looks like every other movie Roland Emmerich has done. It deals with the end of the world so you could call it a sequel to The Day After Tomorrow. You could even call it a sequel to 10,000 BC if you really wanted (I’m sure that you don’t want to).

John Cusack and Chiwetel Ejiofor are in it, which makes me want to watch it. But watching the teaser, all I could do was laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And then think about 46 & 2.

A monk walks quickly into his temple to ring a bell/gong. Then a massive tidal wave sweeps OVER the mountain and destroys everything in its path.

That’s it. That’s the teaser.

You’ll probably see this teaser or a form of it on Sunday during the Super Bowl if you watch it. I mean, what better place to make people afraid of the future, afraid of what’s coming up than the Super Bowl Sunday, when anything and everything can be hawked to these people for the sake of a buck.

I mean, besides 2012, we’ll get a commercial for Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo in which the future will be destroyed by robots, and Terminator Salvation, again in which the future will be destroyed by robots (and this one is set in 2018), and GI Joe, in which the future will be destroyed by Channing Tatum’s acting abilities.

We have a lot of death and destruction heading our way this Sunday, and that has nothing to do with the football game even.

So I’m left wondering, why are people so interested in doomsday? In scenarios involving the death of all people on the world? In world ending, life-sacrificing movies where there is a chosen one who has to save us from destruction and certain death?

I know in my own mind that I crave these films and books and comics and cartoons because they make me feel terrible impending doom, which is the way I live every day anyway. I live my life with the express knowledge that I could die tomorrow or even in the next few seconds while typing this.

I could die of a gunshot wound.

I could die of an explosion.

I could die of some massively disgusting disease that destroys almost everybody in the world.

But in reality, I’ll probably die of something like cancer, heart disease, stress, or car crash.

These end of the world films show scenarios that 99% of us will never face. Scenarios that are exciting, scenarios that involve sacrifice and being a hero, scenarios that involve taking a stand and fighting for something you believe in.

I don’t imagine 2012 will, since they’re fighting glaciers and tidal waves, but look at other end of the world movies. Like Armageddon, Mad Max, the Terminator movies, movies that involve a hero or group of heroes fighting against certain death for something like saving the world or gasoline.

I’ll never be able to step foot in the Thunderdome.

I’ll never fight a giant robot or the devil.

I’ll never drill a hole in an asteroid and drop a nuke in it.

I’ll never blow up the Death Star and fight an intergalactic empire. Or zombies.

And that’s the point. The point of these films is to show us a world that is far removed from our own. One that has the potential to be similar to ours, but in reality is something completely out of the ordinary. Something that none of us will face in our lifetimes and our grandchildren will probably never face either.

The Day after Tomorrow and all the films like this that show events that could destroy us and don’t involve robots taking over or terrible actions taken by evil corporations and armies, these are the films that will scare the viewers to death and make them think, for at least 2 seconds, that they need to stop polluting the world, or they need to be nicer to their neighbors because they could be dead tomorrow.

But the Day After Tomorrow, that’s the day we win. That’s the day we stop global warming and stop the greenhouse effects and we make change in our world.

Maximum Overdrive is just a fun way to escape our real world problems and watch Emilio Estevez back when he was a viable star.

Maybe it’s time for a remake of that movie then? Maybe 2012 with John Cusack actually involves trucks and pinball machines taking over the world?

But while we’re discussing end of the world scenarios, take a look at the above photos from GI Joe. That is what a bad movie looks like. That is what the end of the world for someone who ever enjoyed GI Joe growing up looks like.

That is why that movie will be horrible. I mean, honestly, I don’t know whether to root for it to be awful and horrible, or to root against people seeing it, or to just sit back and think this looks like horrible dogshit.

Honestly, just look at that. Man. 2012 can’t get here soon enough. The end of the world, not the movie. I don’t think I can stand any more of these awful remakes/redos/cartoons made into movies. Horrible.


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